Broadening My Musicality with Behemoth

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I went to a Satanic concert the other night – and I think it helped me along my spiritual journey

Thankfully, my husband (Dustinn) and I have similar tastes in music. When it comes to the Metal genre, though, Dustinn definitely has a broader horizon than I. One of the more obscure sub-genres of Metal is Death/Black Metal (honestly not sure I fully understand the difference between the two, but I’m learning!), and while Dustinn looooves it, I don’t normally partake in leisure listening. It’s never really been my vibe and, most times, winds up making me unbelievably uncomfortable. “This sounds too evil – turn it off” … something I’ve had to say more than a handful of times LOL.

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Last night, we went to see one of his favorite Death/Black Metal bands – Behemoth – because, while we have similar tastes, we also have our differences, but still make it a point to support each other in those differences. I’ve heard Behemoth before via Dustinn’s Spotify playlists and wasn’t totally turned off, so I was excited to see them in person and get to experience their music live.

The stage setup was really cool – the mics had attachments on them that look very pagan-esque, and the backdrop was a black and white print of a human face at a haunting angle. The band themselves had their faces painted (pretty common with Death/Black Metal bands) and were dressed in their best apocalyptic/dystopian-style attire – aside from the lead singer, who was adorned in a large neck/chest piece that ChatGPT says is commonly called a pectoral collar – a “large chest-covering necklace, similar to ancient Egyptian ceremonial jewelry”. I’m into theatrics and commitment like that, so I was vibing with it all!

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The crowd was full of die-hard fans who knew every song (including Dustinn) and then others who were, perhaps, hearing them for the first time – similarly to me! Either way, there was a solid amount of energy (good energy) circulating the room. Hearing the crowd chant and yell lyrics back to the band, I decided to look them up myself to better understand the songs – as deciphering lyrics can be quite difficult with Metal bands in general, but especially Death/Black Metal bands LOL. As I was reading through the words, the realization hit me – ““Wait … is this band Satanic?” Not that I’m against any form of religion or spiritual identity – except ones that aim to directly hurt/harm others – but as someone who’s currently on a pretty intense spiritual journey, anything to do with spirituality, philosophy, or religion hits a chord with me.

I started observing people a bit closer after that. Was everyone at the show simply there because they loved the band and their music? Or were they, too, Satanists? Or were maybe both things true? Not that the answer to my ponderings would have mattered one way or another, but I couldn’t help feeling the show/environment was just another version of church worship in a way. Was that a bad thing? No, not necessarily – but the theatrics and the energy reminded me of church, and it made me feel a bit less … impressed? I’m not sure of the right word to use. I started thinking about what the band members are like outside of the face paint – when they’re at home with their families or waking up in the morning, taking a shit, eating breakfast, etc. “They’re not special … they’re normal.”

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All too easily, we idolize people on a stage as if they’re better than us or more special … granted, they are gifted, obviously! But, I’ve come to believe we’re all gifted. We’re all special. Our beliefs may differentiate us from one another, but they don’t make us better than someone else or more deserving or worthy.

It wasn’t on my 2026 bingo card for a Satanic band to inspire my spiritual quest even more, but it urged even more the question that keeps pulling at my mind: “Where will I land? What will I choose to believe ‘in the end’?” While I wasn’t raised in a religious home, I still grew up in this (pile of shit) society that pushes us to “label” everything. So, as per that conditioning, I’ve been subconsciously pressuring myself to determine a specific religion or belief system to add to my identity, and, in all honesty, at this present moment in life, that just doesn’t feel right. I’m not sure I’ll ever land on just one thing. There’s a culmination of theories, stories, beliefs, traditions, and spiritual practices that resonate with me:

• Meditation
  • This practice has literally changed my life and way of being. It’s brought me more mindfulness, grounding energy, connection to The Universe, healing for my mind, body, and spirit, and so much more
• Astrology and Human Design
  • What makes us … us? (other than life experiences) Do the precise alignment of the stars and planets, the second we’re born, really shape us? (I’ve come to think so) Can they teach us about our gifts and/or purpose? What can they show us about our personal challenges? Being able to utilize these tools to help us better understand ourselves – and others/humanity as a Collective -seems like something we absolutely can’t turn down
• Tarot – Reiki – Crystals – Mediums – Spirit Guides – Guardian Angels …
  • I find so much comfort in the idea there are spirits who watch over us and/or help to provide insight into our lives. Our subconscious is such a powerful energy, and there are these tools at our fingertips to help us tap into that further and connect with something beyond comprehension. I think that’s fucking rad ha
• Manifestation
  • This is a practice I’m still rather new to doing – started a few years back – but it makes a lot of sense to me. The “science” behind manifestation that’s been coming out recently is really interesting, as well. By rewiring Parts of self, we’re able to open ourselves to more opportunities – the opportunities we want and desire – our dreams! We do have the power to manifest everything we want; we just have to get out of our own way and rewire the part of our brain and Self that have been stricken with limiting beliefs and hurt
• Therapy (specifically experiential, Internal Family Systems, and Inner Child Work) – Journaling – Somatic work – Hypnosis
  • These tools have helped me grow and heal so much – in ways I never imagined possible – or ever even considered! The work is challenging, but the reward of finding love, compassion, acceptance, patience, etc. for yourself and being able to find more safety and comfort in your body (especially after years of feeling unsafe and unsure) … absolutely worth it
• Herbs, Plants, and Nature (Pagan and Indigenous beliefs)
  • While I don’t claim any specific label/title (at the moment, cause –shrug– who knows what’ll happen), I do always say that nature is my church. Every aspect about nature makes me feel connected to –gestures around– whatever is out there. Sometimes I feel more connected to a flower than I do people. There’s real magic in nature, I swear it!
• Buddhism
  • I was fifteen when I began learning about Buddhism – mostly because I had suffered so much loss from 12-15 years old that I decided God and Christianity just didn’t feel right anymore, and I wanted to see what else was out there. I remember reading a quote from a Buddhist Monk and thinking, “Oooh … I like this. A lot.” The quote was: “When you realize you’re enlightened, you’re no longer enlightened.” I can’t remember who said it or where I read it, but it’s stuck with me all these years. Buddhism practices aim to look deeply into the ego to learn how to let go of those things that keep us stuck in suffering, dissatisfaction, stress, uncertainty, etc. Meditation is one of the key elements of Buddhism <3
• Heaven/the Afterlife … multiple timelines?
  • Where does our consciousness go when we die? Does our soul stay together? Do we separate a bit into multiple pieces of energy? Obviously I don’t have the answer, but I like to believe there is SOMETHING after “death”. For the past few years, I’ve theorized about multiple timelines – how there could be multiple versions of me living different versions of the life I’m living now. Pretty cool theory to wonder about, if you ask me
• Jesus
  • From the stories, he seemed like a really amazing human – the OG for inclusivity and love without conditions. I personally love the idea of WWJD and leading a life “like Jesus” – with love, compassion, acceptance, and forgiveness for everyone, no matter what

I’m starting to realize it’s completely okay – totally acceptable! – to find different aspects from different belief systems interesting. It’s okay to resonate with bits and pieces of them all. Really, I’m beginning to understand it’s a gift of mine – the ability to stay open -minded and -hearted. My curiosity fuels me in many ways, but one thing I love most about it is that it allows the opportunity to learn more about people and what makes us tick. What makes us unique but also connected together more than we realize.

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Great example – and the premise of this entire post – The Behemoth show. When I first read through the lyrics and had my momentarily-shocking realization – I could have totally chosen judgement. I could have made assumptions about the band and their fans based on what (very little) I’ve learned about Satanism … but, instead, I chose curiosity, and I’m so glad I did – look what it led to! Quite possibly one of the freest, most genuine pieces of writing I’ve cranked out – effortlessly and with so much joy – in such a long time!

Aside from that, one last penny for thought: it’s easy to judge what we don’t know. It’s easy to choose fear and damnation and point the finger at others who seem different than us: “You’re different than me! And that’s bad!” What does this ever do successfully, though? Other than creating further disconnection and prolonging the worst epidemic we face as humans: hate. Rather than defaulting to that place of negativity and judgement, why not lean in and be curious? At the end of the day, it’s all about choice. What choices will you make today that help you – and others in your path – grow?